I had an abortion on May 24, 1986 at the Aware Woman abortion clinic in Melbourne, Florida. I am sharing my story in the hope that it may help keep another mother in a perceived crisis pregnancy from making the same mistake I made.

When I was 18 years old, I broke up with my boyfriend that I had been dating for two years. I went away for college and did not see him for a year. When I was passing through my home town I met up with him one evening. A lot of feelings came rushing back that night and we ended up having sex. I was on my way to stay the summer with my sister so I did not see him again after that night.

My next period was late. I knew I was pregnant before I took a pregnancy test because I have never been late before. The pregnancy test confirmed my fears and I was just hysterical. I honestly did not know what I was going to do. I knew the father of the baby would never leave me alone now, it was such a mistake to have had sex with him. I regretted it right after we were done that night. I had been doing drugs, I smoked and I drank. I was terrified that my baby would turn out deformed. I had no idea what I should do.

I decided to get some advice and I opened up the phone book. I cannot remember what I was looking under to find the number that I called. At that point I was not thinking about having an abortion. I told the lady that answered, I was pregnant and worried the baby would be deformed or there would be something wrong with it because of the drugs and alcohol. She said that I was right and she gave me a number to call. The number she gave me was to the Aware Women’s Clinic. I told the lady that answered the same story and she agreed with the other lady. She told me the best thing for me would be to have an abortion. She asked me when my last period was and figured out that I was about 4 and a half weeks pregnant. She made my appointment for two weeks later. I told her I did not want to wait, could she please get me in now. She said that she couldn’t get me in any sooner. (I found out two years later that the reason she would not get me in sooner is because you have to be six weeks along so the baby is big enough that they know that they got it all out.)

I went to the Aware Women’s Clinic on Friday, May 24, 1986. There were at least 15 of us that were there that day. The took us all into a room so we could fill out a form and they gave us all some kind of pill. I do not know what it was. The only question that I remember answering was the last one, “Do you really want to have this abortion?” I wrote no. They collected our forms and few minutes later a nice lady came and took me out of the room. We went down a hall and into her office. She very kind and soft spoken, she was the grandmotherly type. She asked me why I put no on the last question. I told her that I loved the feeling of being pregnant. I also told her the story that lead me to the clinic. She agreed with the other ladies and assured me that I was making the best choice. It was only a blob of tissue, not a baby yet, I was too young to have a baby anyway, when I left there that day I would never have to think about it again, etc…. so, I allowed them to kill my baby that day.

I feel led to tell you about the entire experience that day. When I first arrived at the clinic there was a girl there about 14 years old. She was crying and begging her parents not to let them kill her baby. Someone on the staff came and took her and her parents to another room away from the rest of us. I did not see her again that day. However, I did hear her screams an hour or so later.

After I joined the group again, they took us into a room for us to change into a gown. We were all just sitting in that room in silence and awkwardness. The nurse came in and told us they would start the procedures soon and they would take us one at a time. (like an assembly line) The minute she walked out of the door we heard the 14 year old. She was yelling and begging the doctor not to kill her baby. I will never, ever forget the sound of her screams as long as I live! The lady that took me into her office earlier came into the room with us. She said that the girl was okay, they hadn’t even started the procedure yet she was just a little frightened. (YEA RIGHT!) Well, you can guess who they took next? Me of course. I know they were worried that I was about to leave the clinic.

The grandmotherly lady took me in there herself and told me she would hold my hand. The doctor said only two things to me. The first was, “Thank God I have one that is not screaming!” Then he turned on a machine that sounded like a huge vacuum cleaner. The grandmotherly lady told me it would hurt a little but would only take a minute, and the doctor finished the procedure. The second thing he said to me was, “You were barely six weeks along,” and he left the room.

We were then taken to another room with recliners and we were given juice to drink. I did not feel relief at all. I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole, I was numb and I felt so very empty inside. I knew at that very moment that I would suffer for the rest of my life because of this day. I would never ever be the same, I just wanted to die. I did go on with my life, but not a day went by for two years that I did not remember what happened in the clinic that day.

I was looking through a medical book two years after my abortion and I flipped the page and there was a two page spread of what a fetus looked like during a pregnancy. My entire world came crashing down that day. I saw for the first time what the baby looked like when I allowed it to be killed. I had a nervous brake down that night. I begged God to please give me back the baby! For the next five years I stuffed it way down inside me. I just could not believe what I had done. I could not think about it anymore.

At age 22 I met the man that I knew I wanted to married. I also knew he would be a wonderful father to our children. He came from a Christian family and whether I liked it or not they were all praying for me. Finally!! at the age of 25 their years of prayer and faith paid off….I found Jesus and He changed my life forever. The first thing I asked him to forgive me for was my abortion. I knew that He forgave me the minute I asked Him. The problem was that I could never forgive myself.

Seven years later…. I was reading the book “Deadline” by Randy Alcorn about how the media slants their reporting of abortion issues toward the pro-choice view and away from the Christian view. It was a hard book to get through.

The next book I read was “The Prophet“by Frank Peretti — again on abortion issues. This time it was about a girl that had an abortion and died from it three days later. I have tell you that when I read in that book that this girl’s abortion was on May 24th and on a Friday I felt like my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. That was the same date and a day of the week that I had mine! I knew then that the Lord was telling me it was time to deal with my abortion experience.

I found out about a bible study program called Healing Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma (HEART) that helps you to be set free from the pain and bondage of abortion. It changed by life forever!! I have finally forgiven myself and after 13 years I can finally say that it was MY BABY!! not just the “Abortion” or “the baby” it was MY baby. God revealed to me that my baby was a girl and I named her. I know that she is in heaven and that one day she will get to meet her family and we will get to meet her. I look forward to that day.

I know that the Lord wants me to help other’s that have also had an abortion and that are suffering. I hope He will use my testimony to let other girls and women know that there is healing or that He will use my testimony to stop someone from having an abortion if they are considering it, and if they do it anyway … I will be here for them to help put their lives back together again with God’s help.

Love,

Kirsten